Hao Jiu Bu Jian

 So... Wow! It's been a really long time! 

Looking back at my old posts... Wow, I was so unhappy. I was struggling with so many things. But in spite of that, I managed to create so much beauty. So much prose, so many lovely photographs, carefully-written recipes borne of hours spent experimenting in the kitchen. I'm...really proud of myself. I created so many amazing things. I deserved to be loved, even in those days when I thought otherwise. And now I can see, very clearly, that my isolation wasn't my fault at all.

I'm still a creator. My soul is still desperate to speak, and so I continue to draw, and write, and craft things with my hands. I bit the bullet and created an AO3 account, and now have multiple published works - with comments! Bookmarks! People like my stories! I somehow ended up in charge of a club at work (a club! Me!), and publish the monthly newsletter - which also gets likes! From upper management, even! I still bake and cook, and bring things in to share at the office, and people like them. My boss likes them! She goes early to get them from the office fridge because otherwise they'll be wiped by lunchtime. I made a hand-painted gift for the annual Christmas exchange, wielding brushes and paints for the first time in years, and the recipient genuinely loved it!

These days, I actually have validation. I'm loved and appreciated for what I do. It's... Well, it's really all I ever wanted, and now it's just so easy.

To my past self... You struggled so hard so that I could get here. You pushed through pain and loneliness and betrayal, over and over. Thank you, truly. I will always love you very much.

It's Been a Long While

So the last post was, um, a downer.

I didn't want to just leave things there, but... I'm fine. It's been more than a year later, I've broken free from many of the things that used to make me miserable, I've found things that make me happy... I'm fine. I'm still here.

I might not be back for a while, but I'm still going to be here.

Birthday

Today hasn't been a good day at all so far.

Not at all.

Sometimes, I wish I had someone I could talk to, who would understand all of it and who would offer support no matter what. But it doesn't seem like I have anyone like that.

Everything is so miserable right now. I don't even want to look at birthday wishes anymore. They make me sick.

Cloudy February

Another month has drifted by. There have been some upsets here and there, but I like to think that I'm getting better at handling them. I'm still working hard to improve myself. It's a hard battle, and I'm my own enemy. But I am seeing progress, and I won't stop now.

Unfortunately, I'm starting to see diminishing returns with my touch-typing. I think there's only so good I can get while working with a laptop keyboard. I really would like to own a Model M keyboard. There's probably one in the storeroom somewhere, but I doubt it works, and the connector probably wouldn't fit my computer. One of the old computers in the lab had a Model M. It was rather dirty, as was normal for shared equipment that no-one was responsible for cleaning, but the keys were well-spaced, and made nice clicking sounds. I once spilled tomato soup on it by accident. The keyboard survived, but the Esc key was always a bit odd after that.

Recently, I managed to reach IKEA just in time to try out their breakfast dishes. The waffles were somewhat hard, dry, and underwhelming – probably because I got to them late – but the scrambled eggs and hashbrowns were genuinely good. It's definitely worth the extremely low price. I'm not a huge salmon fan, but their salmon croissant is pretty good too. 

I've reached the age where ghost stories don't scare me very much, but stories of home invaders and creepers are frightening. Is it a sign of being an adult, to fear hypothetical creatures less than other people? People are terrifying, and there are some exceptionally terrifying people in this world.

This entry was rather stream-of-consciousness, wasn't it? I do have some more things going on, and a frozen cheesecake recipe to post, but I think I'll stop here for now.

2017 Retrospective

It's been...an year.

I don't think I regret any of it, not really. I've worked to improve myself. I finally learned how to touch-type (still working on my speed, and the numbers row still gives me pause, but I can now type without looking). I joined Khan Academy, and started learning all the mathematics and economics I always wanted to know, but could never quite comprehend. I started writing again. I touched a horseshoe crab.

There have been hard lessons as well. Humility is not something I used to have in very great quantities. Paradoxically, neither was confidence. I like to think that I've been working on both, gradually. I know I'm a better person than I use to be. I also know that there's room for improvement. I do want to be a good person. I've never intentionally tried to be cruel, but...people are judged by their actions, not their thoughts. The current me looks back, and knows that I have acted cruelly.

There is no true purpose to life, I don't think. Life exists because it can replicate. Sentience exists because it can manifest within a replicable body. But a sentient mind is capable of giving itself a purpose; anecdotal evidence suggests that a purpose drives it to function better. I think, for my purpose, I would like to improve myself, and perhaps even bring some measure of happiness to others, if I can. A resolution for the New Year.

Goodbye, 2017.

Good Things Jar

I can't recall where I first heard the idea for a Good Things Jar - it may have been Reddit - but the concept is a simple one. Every time something good happens to you, write it down on a strip of paper and keep it in a jar. On bad days, or simply when you feel low, take out all the paper strips and read them.

My Good Things Jar is a Word document, ordered by date. It's mostly little events like successfully preparing a new dish, or meeting up with friends, or having an exceptionally productive day, or reading a thought-provoking essay, or simply viewing a nice sunset. All the little things that make me happy. And when I read about them again, weeks later, it's like reliving those happy moments again. It reminds me of how many good things happen every day.

I think I need that reminder, sometimes. That I am living a good life. That nice things are happening to me, all the time. That I have the right to be happy with what I have.

Brown Glue

So, I learned something new today!

I have an old, old scientific calculator, bought for school use almost 17 years ago. It has survived multiple examinations, being carried across international borders, and usage of varying frequency.

Yesterday, it suddenly developed an error. It physically would not let me enter 2-digit numbers. I could type, for example, '5', or even '5 × 5', but not '55'. Opening up the case, I noticed that the circuit components had been carelessly attached, with glue smeared all over the circuit, which was not entirely unexpected of a relatively cheap school calculator. More importantly, the single button cell was rusted. That's the problem, I thought. I cleaned up the contacts, and inserted the new battery.

No dice. Exactly the same problem as before.

I reopened the calculator and had another look inside – the keypad design was fascinating – but nothing stood out, other than the smears of brown glue. Wondering if there was something to it after all, I looked up 'brown glue on circuit board'. When Google auto-completed the phrase for me, I knew I was on to something.

It appears that the glue was chloroprene rubber adhesive. It starts off yellow, but slowly turns brown over time. It also becomes conductive. And this dried, conductive material had been carelessly dribbled all over my calculator's circuit board.

I very carefully chipped the dried glue off the conductive tracks using a small screwdriver, dabbed away the dust with a damp cotton swab, allowed the circuit board to air-dry, and replaced the casing. The calculator effortlessly informed me that 55 × 11 = 605.

It's nice that my old friend will continue to function at least a little longer, but I'm also pleased to have found something new to look out for when repairing electronic devices. There's something very fulfilling about getting a broken device to work again.

Shark (Sketch)

I feel that this blog has insufficient sharks.

Chilli Flower

Found this in my drafts - a photograph of a flower on my chilli plant, from early February. It has since borne fruit and many more flowers, but this first one remains special to me. 

Apropos of nothing, I recently visited the River Safari, and had the opportunity to touch a live horseshoe crab. There was also a starfish that was more popular with the children, but personally, starfish pale in comparison to the living fossil that has been virtually unchanged for 450 million years. Also, horseshoe crabs have blue blood (royalty??) which is used in some biological assays. Meeting a real one was a very nice moment.

Recipe: Gula Melaka Ice Cream Dessert with Kueh Lapis Chunks

Recently, in honour of the upcoming 51st National Day (tomorrow), McDonald's released the Gula Melaka McFlurry in Singapore. I had one, one overcast Saturday afternoon. Light vanilla soft-serve ice cream, very delicately flavoured with gula melaka syrup, complemented by the startling crunch of kueh lapis croutons, it was possibly the most perfect ice cream dessert I had ever tasted, certainly the one of the best desserts to ever come out of a fast food restaurant. 

But by the next week, it was gone, replaced by the vastly inferior Dinosaur McFlurry. My mother, even more fond of all things gula melaka than I am, was positively heartbroken. She hadn't managed to try it even once.

Until our local McDonald's decides to bring back ice cream perfection, I created the following DIY version. It is not nearly as fluffy as a McFlurry—apparently, soft-serve ice cream is really difficult to make without expensive equipment—and the low-calorie ingredients do affect the creaminess (more on that in the Notes section below). Alternatively, use store-bought vanilla ice-cream, or bring along a cup and the appropriate toppings to IKEA, and take advantage of their $0.50 soft-serve cones. Almost anything can be achieved with determination!

Gula Melaka Ice Cream Dessert with Kueh Lapis Chunks

Vanilla ice cream (makes about 650 ml)

150 g raw cashew nuts

125–150 ml water

1/4 tsp salt

285 ml milk

75 g caster sugar

50 g silken tofu

1 tsp vanilla extract

Rinse cashews well. Cover with water and let stand at room temperature for 3 hours. Drain well, and transfer to a blender or wet grinder. Stir in salt and 125 ml water. Blend at high speed, scraping down sides as required, until smooth. Blend in a little more water, adjusting the consistency to resemble that of thick dairy cream. Once adjusted, the cashew cream should weigh about 290–300 g.

Set up a large heatproof bowl over a pot of simmering water to use as a double-boiler. Whisk together cashew cream, milk, and 30 g caster sugar. Stir gently over heat until almost boiling, when small bubbles appear at the edges of the bowl and steam starts rising from the top. Remove from heat.

Whisk together the tofu and the remaining caster sugar until smooth and thickened. Whisk in 125 ml of the warm milk mixture. 

Reheat the milk mixture until almost boiling again. Whisk in the tofu mixture until well-combined. Simmer for about 10 minutes over low heat. The ice cream base should be thick enough to coat the back of a spoon.

Set the bowl over a dish filled with ice. Stir in vanilla extract. Cover with a piece of cling wrap pressed against the surface of the fluid, to prevent a film from forming. Stand for 20 minutes. 

Refrigerate the ice cream base for at least 3 hours to overnight, until well-chilled. Churn using an ice-cream maker, or by hand by placing the ice cream in the freezer and whisking it every 45 minutes as it solidifies. Soften the ice cream in the refrigerator for 15–20 minutes before scooping.

Kueh lapis croutons (makes about 80–100 cake croutons)

75 g butter, softened but still chilled

30 g condensed milk

3/4 tsp rum, or 1/4 tsp rum essence

20 g all-purpose flour

1 tsp cornstarch

1/16 tsp (generous pinch) rempah kueh or allspice

50 g silken tofu

30 g caster sugar

45 ml aquafaba

1/16 tsp cream of tartar

Preheat oven to 200°C. Very lightly grease an 8-inch square baking tin using a paper towel. Line with parchment paper; grease the paper, and dust lightly with flour. 

Place butter, condensed milk and rum in a medium mixing bowl. Cream using an electric mixer until fluffy, about 5 minutes. Place in refrigerator while not in use.

Sift flour and cornstarch together 5 times. Whisk in spice. Gently fold into butter mixture.

Whisk tofu and 15 g caster sugar at high speed until thick and smooth. Gradually fold into butter mixture.

Clean mixer blades well, and chill them briefly in the freezer. Prepare a chilled mixing bowl, preferably stainless steel, and place over a plate or bowl filled with ice. Place aquafaba in bowl, and sprinkle cream of tartar on top. Using chilled mixer blades, whip at low speed until foamy. Slowly pour in remaining 15 g caster sugar along the side of the bowl, and continue whipping until stiff, glossy peaks form, and the bowl can be overturned without the contents falling out. 

Gently fold 1/3 of whipped aquafaba into the batter. Carefully fold in the remaining aquafaba, leaving some unmixed streaks. Refrigerate while not in use.

Preheat prepared baking tin until butter starts to sizzle. Transfer 1/3 of batter (about 90 g) and spread evenly around the base of the baking tin. Bake 5–10 minutes until golden-brown. Remove from oven.

Increase the oven temperature to 220°C; place an oven-proof tray filled with water at the base of the oven (alternatively, switch the oven to use only the top heating element). Add another layer of batter to the baking tin and spread evenly; give it a sharp rap against the table before placing it in the oven. Bake for 5–10 minutes until golden-brown.

Retrieve the tin from the oven. Press down gently using a buttered kueh lapis press or the back of a spoon. Add the final layer of batter. As before, spread batter evenly, and rap the tin against the table before transferring to the oven. Bake another 3–5 minutes until light golden, but not as fully-browned as the previous two layers. 

Allow the cake to cool in the tin for 5–10 minutes, until it can be handled but is still warm. Use a serrated knife to cut the cake into four even squares, and carefully stack them up on top of each other. Cover the topmost layer with a greased piece of parchment paper, and place a broad-based weight on top (I used an airtight lunchbox filled with water, with a ceramic teapot placed on top). Allow to sit for 30–60 minutes until compressed.

Using a serrated knife, cut the cake into 1.0–1.5 cm cubes. Carefully transfer cake cubes to a lined and greased baking tray, spacing them out. Bake at 180°C for 15–20 minutes or longer, to desired crispness. For longer baking times, cover loosely with a piece of aluminium foil to prevent charring.

Dessert assembly

Scoop ice cream into a chilled glass or ramekin. Scatter a few kueh lapis croutons on top and drizzle with gula melaka syrup.

Notes

What's with all the bizarre ingredients? Well, I am calorie and cholesterol-conscious these days. For less healthy but creamier alternatives, substitute as follows:

45 ml aquafaba: 45 ml egg whites, from 1–2 eggs

300 g cashew cream: 300 ml heavy cream (at least 45% milk fat)

50 g silken tofu: 50 g egg yolks, about 3

Going in the opposite direction, it probably is possible to make a fully-vegan version of this recipe, by replacing the butter, milk, and perhaps sugar as well (if bone char refining is a problem). I... haven't tried.

For the kueh lapis, the all-purpose flour and cornstarch can be replaced by 22.5 g cake flour. If using cake flour, it only needs to be sifted once.

I use Sing Long Gula Malacca syrup, but the syrup can be prepared from scratch using palm sugar.

References

Cake flour directions | Cashew cream recipe | Kueh lapis recipe | Vanilla ice cream recipe

Eighteen Kilograms

"It is lumber, man—all lumber!  Throw it overboard."

- Three Men in a Boat, by Jerome K. Jerome

It's done. I've lost all the weight I wanted to lose. I'm lighter than I have been in a decade.

I'm... free?

I'm a Doctor, Not a... Normal Doctor!

I have my PhD! The graduation represented a final gauntlet - seriously, half an hour before the ceremony they piled on a set of complicated instructions, complete with a map, and pretty much everyone got it at least slightly wrong - but we all survived, no-one tripped on stage or lost their bonnet, and about twenty new doctors stepped out into the world. And then cupcakes were had.

Unrelated topic - since the previous post, I have managed to get my hands on a bottle of kirschwasser! Authentic Black Forest cake is now a possibility. My other recent baking attempts have included two different types of bread - potato rolls and Hokkaido milk bread. Both work with aquafaba substitutions, although for the milk bread I still used a beaten egg for the glaze.

A recent acquisition for my kitchen is this Grilla grill pan from IKEA. The price is affordable but the pan works beautifully, I highly recommend it.

Finally, I think it's someone's birthday or something. I think it's... Iron Man's? Yep, just four days from now, on May 29. Happy birthday to Tony Stark!

Excess

Last year, through a combination of stress, stress-eating and a hitherto unsuspected food addiction, I gained 10 kilograms over the space of nine months, catapulting me into the "obese" category. This year, I tried to shed them.

I had tried to address my weight in the past, but it never really stuck. I think it was partially because food consumption was a major coping mechanism for me (see "food addiction" above), and the more out-of-control my physique became, the more ashamed and helpless I felt about it. Also unhelpful were the comments from friends urging me to eat more, suggesting that I eat something highly fattening "just this once", or who told me that I shouldn't call myself overweight. Perhaps they meant well, but they eroded away at my resolve, made it harder to control my diet, made me question if I was doing the right thing.

And then there were the worst, the very worst, the allegedly good, supportive friends who fat-shamed me to my face. Perhaps they thought they were being helpful, that the blunt criticism was expected of a close friend, but all they did was make me feel defensive, inadequate, a failure. 

On reflection, perhaps the sort of attitude I desired from my friends was silence. In my own (accurate) estimation, I was unhealthy. I didn't want it pointed out to me, but I didn't want an excuse not to deal with it, either.

My father - who has long been my rock - gave me the key to pushing my weight down. He suggested that I record my weight daily. Of my own accord, I also started recording what exercises I had done that day. And somehow, somehow that worked. The mere fact that I was accountable - that I would have to admit, even if to no-one but myself, that I skipped exercise or stopped losing weight - gave me control, and the will to reduce my weight. I began to monitor my caloric intake, calculating how much I could have per day, how much was in my food, which put me even more in control. Granted, focusing on calories alone is a bad idea - if one plans on fulfilling ones' caloric requirements solely through consumption of, say, pure unsalted butter, a very unhappy future awaits - but the mere fact that I was paying attention to the contents of my food was significant. I learned which foods were high in calories, which foods were extremely high in calories, which foods appeared healthy but were in fact extremely energy-rich, and which foods would fill me up without a major nutritional contribution. I reduced my sugar intake, and got used to the taste. (I took aspartame only occasionally - I'm not a huge fan of the odd, synthetic flavour.)

I did make sure I had a balanced diet. I had long gotten over my childhood dislike of vegetables, and I could eat a lot of them without going over my caloric restrictions. I rotated between different protein sources each week - chicken, fish, beef, tofu. I had a daily chocolate ration - chocolate is extremely rich in iron, which justified the intake - and I allowed myself dessert, either modified to be low-fat or in small portions. I ate four times a day, at roughly four-hour intervals, but would skip or reduce a meal if a previous one had been heavier than usual. I made sure that my weight-loss was gradual, about 0.5 to 1.0 kg a week.

And, well - it's working. I've lost ten kilograms over the course of three months. I've been exercising every day. My body looks better, and feels better. I used to have food cravings all the time, but now I rarely get them.

And I'm shocked at how much less I'm consuming. How much my grocery bill has gone down, how little I really need in order to survive. There had been so much excess. So, so much excess, and it was making me miserable.

It's not over yet. I wasn't exactly a healthy weight to begin with, last year, so there is still some distance to go. I still have to deal with lack of support from others, from people asking to meet up at fast-food restaurants or otherwise pushing unhealthy food on me. But I'm not helpless anymore. I know what to do, I know how to lose weight, and for the first time in years I'm not ashamed of my own body.

I disapprove of fat-shaming. I was on the receiving end of it, and it had a horrible effect on me. But I think that anyone who suspects they might be unhealthy - not overweight, because it is possible to be weight a lot while being perfectly fit, and BMI can be extremely misleading, but unhealthy - should try and do something about it. It can be difficult to find out what works, since health is such a terribly individual thing, but I think it is worth the effort.

Made It

I have been unforgivably neglectful of this blog. However, I did have good reasons. As of today, barring the graduation ceremony, I am a doctor! (The PhD variety, not the other kind.)

I don't really know what to think, it's all so unreal. I fought hard for this day, and just like that, it's over.

Now it's time for the rest of my life, I suppose?

(the rain could not hide our tears)

Dear Mr Lee,

Thank you. For being the strong leader Singapore needed, back in those tumultuous days, unimaginable to my generation, when everything was uncertain. Thank you for your honesty and directness. Thank you for setting a standard for future generations to follow. You were strict and firm but ultimately benevolent, and that was exactly what this country needed.

Today, the skies cried over your coffin. The nation grieves together. Tomorrow, we carry on. We will do our best to build something you would have been proud of.

Thank you, and rest in peace.

Hey, 'Sup

It's been a while...again.

I have legitimate reasons, I really do. Wrapping up the thesis, getting a job, doing the necessary shopping and whatnot for said job... There's honestly a lot to do, moreso when abovementioned job actually starts. 

It's a strange thing, responsibility. It's easier to be lazy, but being hardworking feels good. 

On the subject of hardworking (or lack thereof), I haven't been adding much to this blog, even though I actually have several new recipes. However, Pi Day swiftly approaches, and I would rather not miss it. There is something to say for tradition, after all. Extremely modern tradition.

I notice I don't talk about myself much, not really. My love of sharks is obvious, as is my general love of LEGO and particular love of Bionicle, but I only touched on Doctor Who briefly, Cracked.com is mentioned occasionally, and I've never mentioned the manga I read, or the few television shows I follow (well, one, really), or the books I enjoy. I'm a rather private person, which is a strange thing to say on a blog on the Internet, but there you go.

Hmm, this post was almost a stream of consciousness. Shall we call it an edited stream of consciousness? We shall.

49!

Happy birthday Singapore! Only one more to the big 50!

This year's National Day Parade was great, fantastic performances all around. Last year I was stuck in a hotel room in Canberra without an Internet connection and missed the parade. I'd forgotten how stirring it is, watching the sheer energy of both the spectators and performers. For a short period of time, you truly feel connected with the rest of the country.

Brief digression here. I'd always felt something of an outsider. I'm not from one of the four main races of Singapore. My parents were both immigrants. Yet I don't belong to my supposed motherland either - I wasn't born there, I can barely construct a sentence my mother tongue, I don't identify with the typical attitudes of that nation. Perhaps that I why I cling so fiercely to the idea of being Singaporean. It is what I know, better than anything else. I speak fluent Singlish. I know most of the community songs. I can explain in excruciating detail what Total Defence is - I have the gold badge to prove it. I've spent most of my life here, and during the short periods of time I was elsewhere, I wasn't convinced that those were better places to live. Sure, perhaps I didn't quite fit as Singaporean in the beginning, but I am one now. And my hypothetical future children won't have problems fitting in. They'll be citizens of this country, through and through.

So, here's to Singapore. For a bit of nostalgia, the video below shows some images which would be familiar to my five year old self, and to anyone else who grew up here during the nineties.

Nostalgia and Embarrassment

I think the reason I don't use Facebook for anything useful (have I even updated it to reflect that I'm not in Melbourne anymore?) is its wider audience. I have written many cringeworthy things both here and in other corners of the Internet, under at least superficial anonymity. A Facebook account is the exact opposite of anonymous.

Sometimes I surprise myself, reading over old missives. My "voice" changes over time, and sometimes it's hard to believe, looking back, that I wrote those words, be they insightful or perfectly moronic. The early ones are the most interesting, back when I was new to blogging, and when I was fairly sure I had no audience, seeing as I hadn't confessed to my friends that I owned a blog.

I notice I had a few traditions, like doing a "New Year" spiel. I seem to have forgotten it this time. Honestly, I have no idea what I was doing on January 1st this year. Probably writing my thesis (it's a safe bet). Frankly, I didn't really have much to reflect on, because by that point it had been a few months of endless THESIS THESIS THESIS.

(Sung to the tune of Badger Badger, probably.)

Anyway, I don't have much to add. Mostly because this is an old post which I forgot to release from my drafts section. Fly away, post. You're free now!

The Other Side

I received two emails and one snail-mail letter from friends in Australia. What a contrast from six years ago! Now I'm in the wrong country, again. Will the grass on the other side never stop being greener?

I'm here now. Such a strange feeling! The end already arrived, days ago, and it landed as a dull thud.

Concussion

I hit my head on a wall pretty hard, feeling dizzy, sleepy and nauseous by turns and there's an abrasion right below my eyebrow, but no blurred vision or memory loss, thank goodness. The first thing I checked was whether my glasses were alright, which should tell you about my priorities.

I went to call my mom just in case, because if I get some sort of internal bleeding and die it'll be pretty poor if I didn't speak to my family first. She said she couldn't talk because she was cooking dinner for my brother who wanted to leave the house early, and I should call back in an hour. I didn't have the energy to explain precisely why I was calling, so I hung up.

You know, I think that hurt more than the actual head injury. Crap.