Excess

Last year, through a combination of stress, stress-eating and a hitherto unsuspected food addiction, I gained 10 kilograms over the space of nine months, catapulting me into the "obese" category. This year, I tried to shed them.

I had tried to address my weight in the past, but it never really stuck. I think it was partially because food consumption was a major coping mechanism for me (see "food addiction" above), and the more out-of-control my physique became, the more ashamed and helpless I felt about it. Also unhelpful were the comments from friends urging me to eat more, suggesting that I eat something highly fattening "just this once", or who told me that I shouldn't call myself overweight. Perhaps they meant well, but they eroded away at my resolve, made it harder to control my diet, made me question if I was doing the right thing.

And then there were the worst, the very worst, the allegedly good, supportive friends who fat-shamed me to my face. Perhaps they thought they were being helpful, that the blunt criticism was expected of a close friend, but all they did was make me feel defensive, inadequate, a failure. 

On reflection, perhaps the sort of attitude I desired from my friends was silence. In my own (accurate) estimation, I was unhealthy. I didn't want it pointed out to me, but I didn't want an excuse not to deal with it, either.

My father - who has long been my rock - gave me the key to pushing my weight down. He suggested that I record my weight daily. Of my own accord, I also started recording what exercises I had done that day. And somehow, somehow that worked. The mere fact that I was accountable - that I would have to admit, even if to no-one but myself, that I skipped exercise or stopped losing weight - gave me control, and the will to reduce my weight. I began to monitor my caloric intake, calculating how much I could have per day, how much was in my food, which put me even more in control. Granted, focusing on calories alone is a bad idea - if one plans on fulfilling ones' caloric requirements solely through consumption of, say, pure unsalted butter, a very unhappy future awaits - but the mere fact that I was paying attention to the contents of my food was significant. I learned which foods were high in calories, which foods were extremely high in calories, which foods appeared healthy but were in fact extremely energy-rich, and which foods would fill me up without a major nutritional contribution. I reduced my sugar intake, and got used to the taste. (I took aspartame only occasionally - I'm not a huge fan of the odd, synthetic flavour.)

I did make sure I had a balanced diet. I had long gotten over my childhood dislike of vegetables, and I could eat a lot of them without going over my caloric restrictions. I rotated between different protein sources each week - chicken, fish, beef, tofu. I had a daily chocolate ration - chocolate is extremely rich in iron, which justified the intake - and I allowed myself dessert, either modified to be low-fat or in small portions. I ate four times a day, at roughly four-hour intervals, but would skip or reduce a meal if a previous one had been heavier than usual. I made sure that my weight-loss was gradual, about 0.5 to 1.0 kg a week.

And, well - it's working. I've lost ten kilograms over the course of three months. I've been exercising every day. My body looks better, and feels better. I used to have food cravings all the time, but now I rarely get them.

And I'm shocked at how much less I'm consuming. How much my grocery bill has gone down, how little I really need in order to survive. There had been so much excess. So, so much excess, and it was making me miserable.

It's not over yet. I wasn't exactly a healthy weight to begin with, last year, so there is still some distance to go. I still have to deal with lack of support from others, from people asking to meet up at fast-food restaurants or otherwise pushing unhealthy food on me. But I'm not helpless anymore. I know what to do, I know how to lose weight, and for the first time in years I'm not ashamed of my own body.

I disapprove of fat-shaming. I was on the receiving end of it, and it had a horrible effect on me. But I think that anyone who suspects they might be unhealthy - not overweight, because it is possible to be weight a lot while being perfectly fit, and BMI can be extremely misleading, but unhealthy - should try and do something about it. It can be difficult to find out what works, since health is such a terribly individual thing, but I think it is worth the effort.