I Long for One Hour Ago

No, let's talk a bit more. I need to talk to someone, and the emptiness of the internet will do.

So. I get upset for relatively dumb reasons sometimes. Wasting time appears to be one of them. Impatience is my main flaw, so inefficient use of time bothers me greatly. Inefficient use of time includes:

• Being late for a meeting
• Talking in front of me and completely ignoring me, after inviting me to come and discuss an important matter with them
• After already delaying the meeting on account of being late
• Even though I had already waited an extra fifteen minutes for them to discuss other matters
• Even though they called me in on the understanding that they were finished and ready to talk to me
• Trying to discuss why I was upset during a meeting intended to be about work
• After I repeatedly declined to discuss the matter
• After I repeatedly attempted to steer the discussion towards relevant matters
• Even though I had other things to do and wanted to wrap up the meeting quickly

And the worst thing? All of the considerations above were completely selfish on my part. I can see why I was upset, and I can't justify a single reason. These people are important to me. They weren't late on purpose, they had important things to do. The things they were talking about were important to them. Taking my feelings into consideration is part of their job. A better version of me would have understood. A better version of me would have accommodated them as they have accommodated me.

They should be nasty to me from now on. I deserve it. I don't even know how I will face them again, after what I said.

Anger is possibly the worst emotion.

Fear leads to anger. What have I been afraid of my whole life?

Being worthless, that's what. Hence the vendetta against wasting time. I'm afraid that if I don't fill every moment productively, people will quickly realise that I'm useless. I'm afraid if I make too many mistakes, I'll be abandoned by everyone who knows me. I'm afraid that if I don't keep pushing, the future won't happen. I'm afraid that if I don't push, and the future happens anyway, that means my presence was superfluous.

Such a dumb notion. My presence is superfluous. We all die in the end, caught in the endless cycle of birth and death, a cycle which is older than our species by several million years. The whole point of being human is finding meaning in spite of the pointlessness of the whole thing.

I'm looking for meaning in the wrong places. I only wish I knew where I should be looking.

I think that will be all. It was nice talking to you, internet.