The Difficulty Factor

There's a reason a PhD is so highly valued. Well, it is a stepping stone to getting a better job, but the reason it can do that is because it is generally acknowledged that getting a post-doctoral degree is hard work. In Singapore you're more or less expected to aim for getting one straight after Masters, but in Australia they warn you off if they feel you are not ready. Many students choose to work a little or even travel around the world before they commence a PhD. It is considered a difficult, time-consuming thing to achieve.

What they don't tell you is why.

Before I started, I thought it was the technical difficulty. You are, after all, expected to produce results of a certain quality. For some courses you might publish papers which will make up chapters in your thesis, and that requires passing peer review from people who have been in the business longer than you have. There is also the time-limit, for scholarships are only offered for a certain period of time and continuing a PhD without funding is a difficult task.

However, this isn't really why a PhD is difficult to achieve. Skills can be learned with relative ease. After you figure out how to produce high-quality results, it's little trouble to continue doing so. And not everyone has to publish papers - it is possible to write a thesis based entirely on negative results and earn a pass.

The real difficulty comes from within. From you.

Why doesn't anyone warn you about the mental anguish? It is always made obvious that you yourself are responsible for your project, but it is not obvious that it translates to every mistake being on your own head. Your supervisors check in from time to time, but most of the time you are under your own power. The responsibility for completing a sufficient amount of work - the precise amount which constitutes "sufficient" is never made clear - is up to you, as is the method to achieving it. I can't define how stressful this is. It is not possible for someone who hasn't been there to understand.

I personally have become more emotional, more fragile since taking up this project. Minor details catch my eye, so paranoid am I. Failures feel like big losses, victories ignored because from experience, they are merely the prelude to even bigger disappointments. Sleep and food become expendable luxuries. Every bit of progress comes at the end of a huge fight. It feels as if I have to keep running to stay in the same place, trapped, unable to escape and unable to stop. I want to quit, so badly, except there's nowhere else to go.

And apparently, feeling this way is normal for a PhD student.

A doctorate is awarded to people who are apparently resistant to mental torture.

The Problem With Scientists

Yes.

Counselling

It sucks.

I hate telling people my secrets.

I'm aware of the irony, thank you.

I Long for One Hour Ago

No, let's talk a bit more. I need to talk to someone, and the emptiness of the internet will do.

So. I get upset for relatively dumb reasons sometimes. Wasting time appears to be one of them. Impatience is my main flaw, so inefficient use of time bothers me greatly. Inefficient use of time includes:

• Being late for a meeting
• Talking in front of me and completely ignoring me, after inviting me to come and discuss an important matter with them
• After already delaying the meeting on account of being late
• Even though I had already waited an extra fifteen minutes for them to discuss other matters
• Even though they called me in on the understanding that they were finished and ready to talk to me
• Trying to discuss why I was upset during a meeting intended to be about work
• After I repeatedly declined to discuss the matter
• After I repeatedly attempted to steer the discussion towards relevant matters
• Even though I had other things to do and wanted to wrap up the meeting quickly

And the worst thing? All of the considerations above were completely selfish on my part. I can see why I was upset, and I can't justify a single reason. These people are important to me. They weren't late on purpose, they had important things to do. The things they were talking about were important to them. Taking my feelings into consideration is part of their job. A better version of me would have understood. A better version of me would have accommodated them as they have accommodated me.

They should be nasty to me from now on. I deserve it. I don't even know how I will face them again, after what I said.

Anger is possibly the worst emotion.

Fear leads to anger. What have I been afraid of my whole life?

Being worthless, that's what. Hence the vendetta against wasting time. I'm afraid that if I don't fill every moment productively, people will quickly realise that I'm useless. I'm afraid if I make too many mistakes, I'll be abandoned by everyone who knows me. I'm afraid that if I don't keep pushing, the future won't happen. I'm afraid that if I don't push, and the future happens anyway, that means my presence was superfluous.

Such a dumb notion. My presence is superfluous. We all die in the end, caught in the endless cycle of birth and death, a cycle which is older than our species by several million years. The whole point of being human is finding meaning in spite of the pointlessness of the whole thing.

I'm looking for meaning in the wrong places. I only wish I knew where I should be looking.

I think that will be all. It was nice talking to you, internet.

Song Running Through My Head

A.k.a. "posting a song which resonates with my current situation" a.k.a. "taking a leaf out of Mariem's book".



(Except it's less of "yesterday" and more like "an hour ago".)
(Sometimes I really, really hate myself. Why can't I just shut up?)

Things

Creative post title here.

I've decided to celebrate Pi Day on the day corresponding to the way we write dates here (22/7). So, pie in July and stuff. Hopefully I'll make a successful one this year.

On the other hand, I tried making macarons. Jeez, those things are finicky! One wrong step and they don't rise, or the "foot" doesn't form, or they crack. And because they're mostly sugar and egg white, they collapse in humidity very easily. It's understandable that they're so expensive, but I am determined to learn to make them.

I'm doing a little demonstrating (i.e. tutoring, but with LABS) for a while, mostly for experience than for wages. I find it's a lot easier with cooperative students. However, the disconnection between teaching students and training them to score well on quizzes, continues to bother me.

I've realised that I don't like being lied to in order to "make me feel better." It's always so much worse later on when the lie is discovered.

I haven't written any fictional works in a while. I suppose I should try again sometime. I used to enjoy it.

And an Anniversary

Also, I'm a bit late with this, but my PhD anniversary passed a couple of days ago. I spent it, among other things, running 72 PCR samples which promptly failed.

How very apt.

I like the assonance of this post title. [/random]

Facebook II

I think I know the attraction behind Facebook. It's sorta like having a blog, except with an actual, guaranteed audience (unless you have no friends). I think I'm starting to understand the Facebook culture, although it's still quite confusing to me.

Meh. I prefer talking to myself (and the small audience here) anyhow. Call me old-fashioned, and perhaps a little overwhelmed about losing control over the things people find out about me. I like having my secrets.