But I Don't Have a Little Brother!

Primary school was really a long time ago. Those were the days when I couldn't spell "neighborhood" or "police post", embarrassing as it is now. (On the other hand, "separate" tripped me up until recently.) Those were also the days when compositions had predictable - and highly personal - topics. "Write about your family." "Describe your favourite school teacher." "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

The intention was probably to create a topic which could easily be answered by a six-year old, since they presumably draw from everyday experiences and require little thought. I'm sure they were easy to answer for many students. The problem was the students who did not possess, in any form, the subject of the essay topic.

Take for instance, "Write about your pet." This would be easy enough for someone who owned several dogs, or someone with a little fish tank on their desk, or someone with a cat currently defacing the living-room couch. What about the children who, no matter how hard they begged, would not be allowed a pet on the grounds of commitment/smell/allergies?

There were numerous other topics which required the writer to have certain things in their life. "Describe your grandparents." Sorry, most of them passed away before I could know them, and the last one lives a third of a world away. "What is your favourite cartoon?" Actually, I watch documentaries about lions. Can I tell you about the Serengeti and wildebeest migration instead? "Write about your little brother or sister." Haven't got one.

Then there are the ones which aren't particularly fun to answer. When I get a question like "What is your favourite song?" am I supposed to confess it is the theme song from Jurassic Park? (Note: No, it isn't anymore. These days Jupiter from Gustav Holst's The Planets tops the list. ) Whenever I get, "What is the most embarrassing incident which ever happened to you?" I always give the fifth-most embarrassing. I hardly like to think of the first four, never mind describe them for the amusement of my teacher. As for the ever-popular "What will you be when you grow up?" I really should have responded with a decisive que sera, sera. I still don't know what I'm going to be, and I'm close to achieving grown-up status already.

The problem with such topics is that they try to be simple to answer, and the simplest essays to write are based on personal experience. As it happens, personal experience varies so much that it is impossible to cater to everyone with such pointed questions.

Which is why I always preferred writing fiction. Making up stuff for a fictitious theme grinds less upon the conscience than making up stuff to answer a personal question.

Why did this come up? Well, it had entirely to do with an essay theme I received today: "What extracurricular activities are you involved in or outside school?" Considering that the answer is "none"...

I really thought I was past this sort of thing.