Endings

Somehow, the end of the year feels like the end of the year. It's probably just my sentimentality talking, since here in the Southern Hemisphere summer's just starting, and if anything, summer is a middle, not a beginning or end. But the year is winding down, and I find myself running through memories - both happy and sad - and feeling a little wistful.

Today our lab had our Christmas gathering, complete with a lot of food and the customary Stealing of Presents. I can't believe it's been a year since the last one. How many people have left? How much has changed? Our gathering was in the exact same room as the last time, but this time I sat on the opposite side of the table. It's the littlest things.

Every year, my co-supervisor tells the story of the one PhD student who went home for the holidays and never came back. There's a portrait of her in the lab, on one of the high shelves. Every year we are entreated to be careful, and please come back in the new year. Every year I shiver, afraid it might be my turn, and it's not so much the fear of dying as the fear of letting everyone down.

Endings, endings, endings. My last day in the lab today, tomorrow I head off with a bag in hand and another on my back. Adventure and homecoming all at once, and did you know that home can be more than one place?

We deal. We always deal. But now, with the afternoon light shining bright over the buildings (home) and through the leaves, there's an ache in my heart.