MMX

Google's latest doodle informs me that it is the eve of "MMXI". Per tradition, it is time for some reflection.

Last year, I wrote a satirical obituary to 2009, which I noted was a truly special year. In that entry, I failed to note why I considered it special.

2009 was a turning point for a number of reasons. It was the year I did my Honours, where I more or less stopped being a student in the traditional sense and started on the path to becoming a serious researcher. For the first time, I started associating, on a regular basis, with people who dabbled in science for a living. I made close friends. I found what it was like to be respected, important.

By 2010, I had realised that those new friendships were a lie, that I wasn't important at all, that the respect of others was not as important as the respect I gave myself, and that I barely respect myself at all. I realised that integrity is something which is as invaluable in science as it is hard to maintain. I realised that I had spent 2009 in some sort of naive stupor. 2010 saw me turn into a self-loathing cynic who, disgusted with her peers and her situation, tried to commit suicide by eating poorly and working late into the night, sometimes all night, often walking home at dangerous hours.

Then I realised what I was doing and applied the brakes, hard.

I've tried to be positive, I really have. This blog is sufficient evidence - how many entries reflect the true negativity of what I was feeling at the time? I tried to push - scream, shove, force - myself to be less lazy, to be less self-centered, to get up and get things done. It wasn't easy, especially when the experiments I put the most amount of effort into, fail in the most disheartening manner possible.

It wasn't easy, going to coffee with other people knowing that if I don't talk as much as I usually do, they'll know something is wrong and start asking invasive questions.

It wasn't easy, smiling at my supervisor whenever I was angry with him, speaking to him civilly even when he interrupted my work, forgiving him readily when he upset me, keeping up a cheerful facade so that he'd stop worrying only to realise that he saw right through me but didn't quite know what to do other than worry even more.

It wasn't easy, continuing to associate with people who hurt me badly and whom I still loathe and despise, simply because we collaborate in the same field.

It wasn't easy, realising how much people lie, even when they don't have to.

I said I would get to know 2010 soon enough. Except it's almost gone and I'm still not used to what this year was. I haven't fixed all the things I did wrong. I'm not ready for a new year, for a fresh start.

Well, here it will be, 2011 in six hours or so. There's never any time.